Oh when the saints, go marching in...
I just got back from N.Y and my dad's funeral. I think I feel worse now than I did before I left. Not so much about the fact that he is gone, that is a completely different feeling, and that still hits me from time to time. What I am upset about is the fact I don't think what was done for him at his service would be something he would have wanted. My dad was about having a good time and not making too much fanfare about himself. If he could have had a memorial get together at one of the little restaurants he loved, with some good old Dixieland Jazz playing in the background, that would have suited him fine. He would have loved all of his friends to get up and share a fun story and be done with it. Instead this is what he got:
An open casket in a funeral home with that piped in funeral home music. An image I must carry with me the rest of my life. The guy in the coffin did not even look like him. I am sure that is not the way he wanted to be remembered.
A pastor or priest, I am not sure which, read bible passages for 30 minutes and then we were shuffled out of the funeral home. First off, my dad, who was one of the most unreligious people I have ever known having bible passages read?!!?!?! It just did not fit. He was a member of AA, and they do tie religion into it, but he primarily was in it for the support it provided, not the "God grant me serenity" nonsense. An evening funeral with a few speakers would have worked much better. I would have loved to hear stories about the Korean war from his army buddies, some stories from Central Hudson about his years there. I would have related my fondest memories from my childhood in the late 60's and early 70's as well as the years when I had left home as an adult.
Let's move onto my step mother and her offspring...my stepmother was dressed for Sunday brunch, you know, a nice pair of blue slacks and a light blue sweater vest and a white shirt. Her eldest son wore his "best" construction boots and brown sweatshirt. The other criminal son did not even show up. For fucks sake people, you are about to attempt to steal everything that belongs to our family, at least show the man some respect and put on a tie or something black.
The whole damned thing just is not sitting right with me. I have been put in charge of settling his estate (and his wife has lawyered up already, which is how I know they are going to try and steal our family items) I would like to figure out a way to give him a proper sendoff. Maybe after everything is settled Gabi and I can organize a memorial dinner with a Dixieland jazz band at one of his old haunts. Perhaps on his birthday or something. I don't know, but I WILL find a way to honor him somehow and it will be more reflective of him.
I know funerals are a somber occasion, but, they also should be a celebration of one's life. That part was sorely missing and today I just feel empty about the whole thing. Stay tuned...
An open casket in a funeral home with that piped in funeral home music. An image I must carry with me the rest of my life. The guy in the coffin did not even look like him. I am sure that is not the way he wanted to be remembered.
A pastor or priest, I am not sure which, read bible passages for 30 minutes and then we were shuffled out of the funeral home. First off, my dad, who was one of the most unreligious people I have ever known having bible passages read?!!?!?! It just did not fit. He was a member of AA, and they do tie religion into it, but he primarily was in it for the support it provided, not the "God grant me serenity" nonsense. An evening funeral with a few speakers would have worked much better. I would have loved to hear stories about the Korean war from his army buddies, some stories from Central Hudson about his years there. I would have related my fondest memories from my childhood in the late 60's and early 70's as well as the years when I had left home as an adult.
Let's move onto my step mother and her offspring...my stepmother was dressed for Sunday brunch, you know, a nice pair of blue slacks and a light blue sweater vest and a white shirt. Her eldest son wore his "best" construction boots and brown sweatshirt. The other criminal son did not even show up. For fucks sake people, you are about to attempt to steal everything that belongs to our family, at least show the man some respect and put on a tie or something black.
The whole damned thing just is not sitting right with me. I have been put in charge of settling his estate (and his wife has lawyered up already, which is how I know they are going to try and steal our family items) I would like to figure out a way to give him a proper sendoff. Maybe after everything is settled Gabi and I can organize a memorial dinner with a Dixieland jazz band at one of his old haunts. Perhaps on his birthday or something. I don't know, but I WILL find a way to honor him somehow and it will be more reflective of him.
I know funerals are a somber occasion, but, they also should be a celebration of one's life. That part was sorely missing and today I just feel empty about the whole thing. Stay tuned...
posted by AndyP (Seattle, WA) at 7:50 PM
1 Comments:
Oh Andy, what can I say. I'm so sorry it turned out like that. I know exactly what you mean though and it seems to happen a lot.
Why is it that most people can't see beyond the normal 'done thing'. You're absolutely right, it should reflect the personality of the deceased. After all that's what a funeral is supposed to be about, isn't it. I can't even begin to imagine people having to sit through a religious affair for me, it would be so wrong.
You are so right to want to do something for him. I think you definately should have your own little gathering, his birthday would be a perfect time. Even if it's just you, Gabi and Alex, it would be a lovely thing to do. I'm sure he would have loved that.
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